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Friday, February 3, 2012

How to: Win an argument online

You are about to read possibly the stupidest how to guide ever. But with the dawn of the Internet era... etc... it's necessary to have one of these. It's not really something they teach you at school. If you follow this guide, it is 100% guaranteed to let you win an online argument, leaving you with an empty satisfaction in knowing that you have, in fact, accomplished nothing of value. But that's besides the point! :)

Me, back before the Internet wasn't really a "thing".

How to win an online argument. By Hannah.
Things you will need:
  • A lot of free time
  • A very good knowledge of grammar and vocabulary
  • Your computer
  • The ability to make up facts and still make it sound legitimate
  • The ability to use big words that make absolutely no sense in your context
  • Optional: a few your momma jokes to keep you going

1. Remember that debate isn't about being right, it's about winning the argument. It's not about addressing the points, finding a compromise/general agreement or "resolving" things. No, it's you winning. And them losing.

2. Stand strong in your statement. Don't ever change direction. Don't be swayed by any impressive facts that s/he pulls out. Say they are all fake, even if there are dozens of well-publicized studies on it. In fact, don't even open any links or articles they send you. As I said, it's not about who's right.

3. Don't try and make them pity you. Making up a sob story about growing up as an impoverished child in India will not make them go easy on you. Nope, that will actually fuel them to attack you in the most vulnerable spots, them being the "pity me" stories you are spinning.

4. Make inconsistent analogies/relation your argument with controversial topics. You will find a way to tie your opinion with these somehow.
"So you're calling me a blind whale because MW3 is better than BF3?" (makes them look pretty stupid and childish. Hehehe)
"Yeah, and some people are against the idea of terrorism. You think they should go to jail too?" (They will back off once they realize they have stepped into controversial territory)

5. If you think you're losing after they provide a long, detailed response that is bound to get everyone to agree with them, don't back down. But change your tactic a little. Try and convince everyone that your opponent is making a big deal out of a little issue. Portray him as a 12 year old who spends way too much time on the Internet. 

6. Find the littlest things that accidentally slip out and connect them to his personal life. Over-exaggerate or make up scenarios that puts him in a humiliating position.

7. No matter how wrong you are, no matter how right he is, you have to stand tall. Be confident, tower over him and call his rebuttal "absolutely the most primitive and moronic answer I have ever recieved." Act like you feel sorry for him. Whatever it is you do, try and dominate them.

8. Remember, no compromises. "Let's agree to disagree" is not the end. Nope. Always have the final word. Everyone knows that once one of the arguers don't respond, they have lost.

9. If all fails, just correct every spelling/grammar mistake they make. Make fun of his username. Throw in some "Your mom" jokes.

10. Do not give away your age/race/gender at any point. Or else they will start pulling out useless statistics about each demographic, which frankly you don't need.

So there you go. Enjoy all the virtual applause and glory you will get after you win your first Internet argument!

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